You might own a Malamute if....
(with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy!)
- You look the wrong way or stand up and that signals the start of the race to the back door.
- A chip bag crackles and suddenly there is a huge dog in your lap.
- Your TV is always tuned to Animal Planet for the National Geographic specials on wolves.
- You feel like the doorman at the Ritz Carlton every time the temperature drops 10 degrees.
- You don't bother with fake snow at Christmas - the house is a winter wonderland year round and you vacumned 5 minutes ago.
- Your the top third of your Christmas tree is the only part decorated and it's tied to the wall.
- It's been years since you've been in the bathroom alone.
- You always check dogbreath before you accept kisses.
- Your backyard resembles a pock-marked cratered moon landing site.
- You are greeted at the door and gifted with a petrified mouse, a large frozen turd or a squirrel tail (minus remaining squirrel).
- If you can identify every dog by his Woo from another room. (multiple mals)
- You consider dog hair in your food a condiment.
- You have child safety locks on cupboards and doors - and you don't have children.
- You have a collection of canine and lupine nicknacks in your home that rivals the Smithsonian.
- You don't own an alarm clock because the dog is more accurate.
- You put 3x the amount you plan to snack on in the bowl so you can share.
- Your toilet paper sits on a shelf, and it's a guest faux paux to put it back on the roll.
- You have a revolving credit account at Home Depot, and the manager welcomes you personally.
- You host unplanned equestrian events in your living room.
- Food that's dropped on the floor does not require pickup unless it's chicken bones.
- The dog provides the dishwasher prewash cycle.
- You buy a vehicle based on the interior upholstery color.
- You mop daily, vacumn hourly, and have a holster on your hip for the dustbuster.
- Hitting a deer on the highway is cause for celebration even if it totals the SUV - chewies tonight!
- Night refrigerator raids or bathroom trips require care not to step on the live rug in the doorway.
- You never have cold feet because there's room under your desk.
- Starving children making appeals on TV don't faze you, you're used to ignoring starving looks and pleading eyes.
- Your veterinarian owns a Ferrari and sends you an expensive gift basket at Christmas.
- The house is littered with hundreds of gutted, limp toys and crushed, flattened tennis balls.
- You own a half dozen vacumns in various degrees of repair because none survive more than a year.
- Visitors to your home wearing black are automatically handed a lint roller.
- You have a designated toilet as the dog's water bowl.
- Burglers never bother your house - mainly because they can't force the door open for the large dog on the other side sleeping.
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