You might own a Malamute if....

(with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy!) pup
  • You look the wrong way or stand up and that signals the start of the race to the back door.
  • A chip bag crackles and suddenly there is a huge dog in your lap.
  • Your TV is always tuned to Animal Planet for the National Geographic specials on wolves.
  • You feel like the doorman at the Ritz Carlton every time the temperature drops 10 degrees.
  • You don't bother with fake snow at Christmas - the house is a winter wonderland year round and you vacumned 5 minutes ago.
  • Your the top third of your Christmas tree is the only part decorated and it's tied to the wall.
  • It's been years since you've been in the bathroom alone.
  • You always check dogbreath before you accept kisses.
  • Your backyard resembles a pock-marked cratered moon landing site.
  • You are greeted at the door and gifted with a petrified mouse, a large frozen turd or a squirrel tail (minus remaining squirrel).
  • If you can identify every dog by his Woo from another room. (multiple mals)
  • You consider dog hair in your food a condiment.
  • You have child safety locks on cupboards and doors - and you don't have children.
  • You have a collection of canine and lupine nicknacks in your home that rivals the Smithsonian.
  • You don't own an alarm clock because the dog is more accurate.
  • You put 3x the amount you plan to snack on in the bowl so you can share.
  • Your toilet paper sits on a shelf, and it's a guest faux paux to put it back on the roll.
  • You have a revolving credit account at Home Depot, and the manager welcomes you personally.
  • You host unplanned equestrian events in your living room.
  • Food that's dropped on the floor does not require pickup unless it's chicken bones.
  • The dog provides the dishwasher prewash cycle. 
  • You buy a vehicle based on the interior upholstery color.
  • You mop daily, vacumn hourly, and have a holster on your hip for the dustbuster.
  • Hitting a deer on the highway is cause for celebration even if it totals the SUV - chewies tonight!
  • Night refrigerator raids or bathroom trips require care not to step on the live rug in the doorway.
  • You never have cold feet because there's room under your desk.
  • Starving children making appeals on TV don't faze you, you're used to ignoring starving looks and pleading eyes.
  • Your veterinarian owns a Ferrari and sends you an expensive gift basket at Christmas. 
  • The house is littered with hundreds of gutted, limp toys and crushed, flattened tennis balls.
  • You own a half dozen vacumns in various degrees of repair  because none survive more than a year.
  • Visitors to your home wearing black are automatically handed a lint roller.
  • You have a designated toilet as the dog's water bowl.
  • Burglers never bother your house - mainly because they can't force the door open for the large dog on the other side sleeping.